I hope someday you go and see one of the Disney movies I worked on and think to yourself that you were happy to have been my friend.

Why am I so stupid? Uhhhh! I don’t know why I do the things I do except that I’m trying to make you care about something I do, anything I do and this leads me to doing things I normally wouldn’t. I really needed to talk to you tonight. If you were still a part of my life I wouldn’t have done anything… or I might have to make you jealous, but I probably wouldn’t have. But you don’t care. You don’t care what I do or what happens to me which makes me be reckless… I feel terrible just about now and you aren’t here to make me feel any better so I just have to keep living my life and dealing with the fact that I’m never going to hear from you again or see you again. It’s killing me It isn’t your responsibility to take care of me though, you have someone, I have to take care of myself… until I can find a guy to take care of me who will be there for me and not let me do stupid things and who won’t leave me.

I just hope I can find this person and I don’t end up like I did tonight… crying in someone else’s arms because he was no you and you were all I wanted.

Color theory is killing me and it’s only the first project and all I have to do is paint squares of different colors to make a color wheel…

this sounds really easy in theory, but it isn’t

:-////////////

nothing seems to ever work out for me…

I just talked to my mom about the Disney spring break program and she was really unenthusiastic about it… it’s just a once in a lifetime experience that’s all that could help me get a job with Disney when I graduate from college, no big deal…

not that I would have gotten into it anyway… I’m a freshman, I don’t have a great portfolio, and I don’t know who I would have gotten to write the recomendations

maybe they will have the program next year and I can do it…

I guess I’m just in a negative mood at the moment, but I can see the Disney College Program not working out for me either.

but I NEED to do it. I feel like I’m in this rut and I need that to get me out of it. I need to get out of Savannah where every place holds a memory, I need to meet new people, I need to move on… if I have to stay in Savannah for the next 4 years without a break I’m never going to move on.

I guess I will work on color theory homework… the least I can do is do really well in all my classes so maybe Disney will hire me to work for them when I graduate.

Today…

I woke up at 9 and watched Nick J co-host live with regis and kelly

then remembered that the interest meeting the the SCAD/Disney spring break program was today so I quickly got dressed and drove to the library

I really want to do this program! It counts as a class and we get to go into the parks and stay on property and learn from Disney Imagineers. This could really give me an edge when trying to get a job as a Disney animator in 4 years… but it’s costly and it’s limited space and I have to have a portfolio and all this other stuff…. uhh! nothing in life is easy. I’m not going to stress though. I will apply and if I don’t make it then it just wasn’t meant to happen. That’s kind of my theory on everything in life.

I went out to coffee with Shirley and her mom today which was nice to say goodbye to her before she left for college.

and then my roommates and I saw “The Princess and the Frog” (it was my third time seeing it) I want my own Naveen, he’s perfect even though he’s just a cartoon character.

So much for seeing it with the one person I wanted to see it with.

Now I’m back at my dorm, chillin’… I have lots of homework to do this weekend, but it will get done eventually, it always does

I saw Ben Kweller in concert tonight :-) and he was AMAZING

Seriously, one of the best concerts I have ever been to including last summer with all my Jonas concerts.

I can relate to his lyrics, and the way he writes about love gives me hope that I will find someone perfect for me. He himself gives me hope of this too because he can’t be the only guy out there who can think and write such cute and beautiful and fun things about life and love.

I guess I need to accept that if you wanted to be with me you would be and if you wanted to have anything to do with me you would. Just because people tell me what to do doesn’t mean I do it. I am however leaving you alone, that’s what you want after all. I will be here if you ever want to talk, if you ever need a friend, if you ever decide you miss me. I may stop posting depressing stuff here every two seconds, but it doesn’t mean I have stopped thinking or caring about you. I think about you all the time and there is no way I will ever forget about you. There are too many things in my everyday life that remind me of you. Movies, songs, places, quotes, etc. etc. I don’t want to forget you though. When things remind me of you I just smile to myself and think back on all of the good times we had together. I don’t even know if you will read this, but I thought I would write it just in case you do so you know what I’m thinking. I feel like if I have any hope of having you back even as a friend I need to let go. I have done all I can do, I have made my feelings known, if you want to be my friend, you will be, if you don’t then I wish you happiness in life. I’m not mad, I just wish things turned out differently. Everything happens for a reason though, so there has to be some reason we came into each others lives. I know that you have changed my life and I would be a completely different person if I had never met you. This is a good thing. I only hope you can say the same about me and that you don’t look back on our friendship and think it was a mistake and things would be better if you had never met me. I have lost a friend before and it was one of the most painful things I have ever been through. This is even more painful because your friendship means more to me than most.

I’m just rambling now… and don’t be afraid to talk to me sometime… I won’t cry or make a big deal about it, it would just make me very happy to speak to you even if it is for only a minute. But if you don’t want to talk to me that’s ok too… not really, but I will understand. Even the closest friends who once spoke everyday can lose what they have…

You will always have a very special place in my heart, I just hope there is someone out there who can fill this void… i really do. I’m worried I will go through the rest of my life comparing everyone to you which is what I do with everyone… when I first talked to you I thought to myself that you were someone I could see myself with. I’m yet to meet someone who else who I think this about.

Here’s to hoping things turn out wonderfully for both of us whether that means we stay friends or not. Maybe in 50 years from now we will run into each other and will finally be able to be friends again. If I have to wait that long to talk to you again it would be worth it and better than never hearing from you again at all. Good luck my friend, you will always be in my heart.